Can You Ask Jesus to Help Me?

I'm a terrible blogger, I know, but....
Okay, so this one should be good -- it's pretty good in my head anyway. We will see how it comes out in type! My husband will actually claim to own this story, but it's happened to me as well, so ...
Boston is potty trained (or potty training -- how long do you have to say that you are still in the midst of potty training -- like, when is it finally over?)!!! Anyway, let me go ahead and say that I don't linger while on the "potty." You know how some people, like sit there forever doing their business (like someone that I live with)? Not me -- I'm in and out. Well, Boston has not followed in my footsteps. He likes to take his time while sitting on the potty. He's working on the stand up thing when going #1, so I am just referring to the actual sitting on the potty while working on the #2! So, anyway -- I don't really trust him in the bathroom by himself yet with the yuckiness that is #2 -- that is definitely NOT something that I want to clean up. So, we have spent some time sitting in the bathroom lately. Midway through the process most times, he has started asking me if I can ask Jesus to help him push out the poo-poo!! Cute, I know. But, why not? So, we do. The problem, in the brain of a 2 year old, comes when it doesn't automatically happen as soon as we say amen! How do you explain that? In my years of teaching students, I always like to tell them that God cares about the things that care about and to talk to Him about those things, even when it seems silly. I believe this would fall into that category, for sure. I think that it is totally okay for Boston to ask Jesus to help him with something, but I hate for Him to think that Jesus isn't listening or doesn't care just because his request is not fulfilled immediately, you know? We'll have to really think about how to handle this delicate situation in a young formidable mind. But, it does make you think, doesn't it. I mean, it's totally normal for a 2 year old to be a bit impatient. But, as adults, don't we expect God to answer our prayers the way we want Him to and NOW?! It's a good lesson -- I want Boston to know that God wants for him to talk to Him about anything, but to not get frustrated if he doesn't always necessarily get his way. I guess my answer to him needs to be that God knows best and there must be a reason that you need to sit here a little bit longer before the rest of your poop comes out! It seems so simple, but I'll bet it's a big deal in Boston's mind and I'm so glad that he is beginning to comprehend the things of God!

A Thankful Heart, a couple of weeks early (you know, cuz thanksgiving is coming up)

Okay, so my main "gripe" in life lately has been finances. Read earlier posts to determine the reason for that. Sadly, it consumes most decisions that I have to make. I am fairly certain that no one would envy the financial situation we are currently in. (well, okay, there are probably plenty of people in worse financial shape that I am, but I'm trying to make a point here, so roll with it) You might even say that people could look at my life and expect me to be bitter or even a bit depressed that we are not more financially stable. Thankfully, I know who God is and I have never felt that way about my situation. Have I been a bit angry about it at times? Sure. Do I wish it were different. Sure. But, today, God gave me a reminder of my past that made me incredibly thankful for any financial strain I might be experiencing right now! (everything written up to this point has simply been an introduction to what I'm about to say, so in case you were skimming before, now is the time to pay attention) We were singing in church this morning and I don't remember the exact words we were singing, but it had something to do with praising God for being the one who pulls you up out of the pit, that He will be your Help and your Rescue and that a better day is coming. (I don't think any of those exact words were used, but it's the same idea) I was reminded of a time where I was singing such words with tears running down my face. I immediately felt again what it meant to really be crying out to God to pull me out of the darkness I was living in and praising Him for the hope He was giving that He would rescue me. The place Lance and I were in before coming to C3 had become darkness for us. We were definitely in a pit and I vividly remember attempting to sing praise songs to God, but would, very often, be unable because I could not control how hard I was crying. It was an incredibly hard time in my life and I am so thankful that God chose to remind me of it today so that I can be thankful for the fact that my biggest "gripe" right now is simply finances. It is sooooooo much more difficult to deal with spiritual and emotional darkness surrounding you than it is to deal with money matters. I cannot even begin to describe the whole situation, but I genuinely feared to raise a family among it. My heart wept for the kids in our youth group who knew church and the things of God to be nothing other than what was going on around them. I knew that God had called us there, but I knew I could not be there much longer. I have never begged God for anything more than to call us somewhere else. Now, I can't deny that God did some amazing things while we were there and He will even be able to use the experience later in our lives , just like He did today, making me thankful for where He has me now, causing me to praise Him for His steadfast love and grip on my life.

How Am I Going To Deal With Two?

Boston is absolutely the cutest kid I know -- he is hilarious and incredibly smart (some might say gifted), but he drives me insane sometimes. This week, for example, he has had 4 or 5 fairly serious falls already, which require me to 1)comfort him 2) calm him down 3) assess the injury accurately 4)"fix it" 5) answer questions about it the rest of the day -- all of this takes TIME. Not that I am super busy or anything, but how am I going to do this with 2 kids? It's already exhausting with one. No, I am not an insensitive mother who despises taking care of her child's "boo-boo's" -- I'm just making a point. The driving me crazy part is the real issue -- the constant fit throwing. Anytime, he does not get his way -- he whines and throws a fit. Thankfully, he doesn't really throw fits like the one I saw today at Target -- a kid about Boston's age was on the ground while the mom was checking out biting her ankles and screaming -- no joke! (I'm knocking on wood right now). Anyway, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that my days are going to be filled with constant injury prevention/care and fit throwing. Granted, I send him to his room each time a fit is decided to be thrown, but that wears on you too. Anyway, people survive much worse, so I'm not that worried about it -- just getting a glimpse into my future and not necessarily excited about it.
How often do we drive God crazy? We want him to effectively take care of us each time we fall and, just like Boston, we want him to take care of it exactly like we think He should take care of it or else we may just throw a fit! I don't think it's a good idea to compare myself to God because I do get tired of it and annoyed by it, but I dont' think He does, necessarily. His mercies are new every morning -- Hallelujah! And I'm whining about taking care of 2 and look at the millions He so delicately cares for!! God is awesome and I am glad to be His child!

I didn't vote!

That's right and I'm not even sure that I am registered to vote! I know, I know - some of you will feel compelled to yell at me and I am okay with that. Here's the thing -- what good does it really do? Texas ALWAYS ends up voting Republican, which is what I would have voted, so my vote would have done absolutely nothing. I'm not griping about the system, but I simply see no need for me to take the time when it honestly doesn't matter at all! Now, if I lived in a state where I thought I could try to make a difference, then my attitude would be different, but I don't, so I see no need. Now, I sometimes have the same attitude about prayer, but that doesn't mean I should quit praying, does it? There really is a mystery around prayer for me -- if God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow - what does me praying FOR things do? I totally understand that it is important for me to have an intimate relationship with the Lord and have conversation with him and share things with him, but I am talking about the type of prayer where we ask God to change something like someones sickness or something like that (I can't think of anymore examples off the top of my head, but you know what I mean, right?). I mean, why do we pray for God's will to be done when we already know that it will? Anyway, it makes no sense I know, but sometimes I just don't understand why I should pray for certain things. All that to say, I still keep praying because even though I don't necessarily understand it, the Bible tells me to. I dont' think the same is true about voting - in certain elections, I really do not see the point for me to take the time to vote for the inevitable and the Bible is not clearly instructing me to do so, so I probably will continue to have this attitude!!

a "praise"

This isn't really spiritual, which is what I intended this blog to be about, but I can make it spiritual by calling it a "praise." I am, obviously, sort of making fun at the fact that we make things spiritual to make ourselves feel better - like calling gossip, prayer concerns. But, anyway - enough of that, this literally did make me praise God today. Actually, as I was writing that - I was kind of thinking - that's a lie because have I actually praised Him for it or was I just thinking it was a really cool thing that happened to me? Doesn't really matter because it is still today and I am praising Him for it now! Now it sounds like it is going to be this really awesome thing while it is actually something not all that huge - but here it is: I teach little kid gymnastic classes 3 nights a week at the rec center down the street from my house. Last week, I had an out of control 3-5 year old class and they did not get a stamp at the end of class!! This was a huge deal and there were tears (not mine, but a couple of the kids). I realize that I am probably a bit crankier these days due to the pregnancy, but it really was ridiculous AND this particular class has become increasingly more defiant and WILD over the weeks. So, last week was the end -- I had had enough. And on a side note, their parents are right there watching -- they are behind a half wall of glass, but they can hear and see everything that we do! I HATE disciplining their children right in front of them -- there have been several occassions when, if the roles were reversed, I would have come into the class, taken Boston out, and disciplined him myself. I was slow to say this sort of thing before I had kids, but I have one now, very close to the same age as these kids and I KNOW that I would not condone the sort of behavior that I am forced to put up with. End side note. A few of the parents were a little shocked at how blunt I was in saying - no stamps, see ya next week! I wasn't necessarily worried about the parents being mad at me, but definitely a bit concerned that they might be put off enought to not sign their kids back up next session, which would diminish my paycheck! Well, I am happy to report (here comes the praise part) that the entire class (minus one, but I know the mom and had already spoken with her about it, so I know she didn't leave the class because she was mad) was here tonight AND they were awesome!! They actually stood in line when I asked them to, which has never happened! They sat and waited their turn very well, which has never happened. They listened and did exactly what they were supposed to do! It totally validated my decision to NOT reward their behavior with a stamp last week! Isn't it crazy what power some ink and a little picture of a thumbs up have?

Praying really hard

I just heard someone say that they were praying really hard for something. What exactly does that mean? What is the difference between praying for something and praying really hard? What is the difference between seeking the Lord's will and really seeking it? Well, in asking myself this, I realized a difference: I've always claimed that I am in a constant state of prayer as the Bible instructs us to be, because I am constantly surrendered to and in tune with what God would have me do. I feel like I am always seeking Him in all things even if I'm not bowing down and closing my eyes and physically speaking a prayer, you know? And although those things are good, they are sometimes a substitute for "really" praying hard or "really" seeking Him in my life, which is not good. It's as if I convince myself that I am being who God wants me to be or doing what He wants me to do because I haven't heard Him tell me to be or do anything different. But, i fail to physically bow down and close my eyes and ask Him on a regular basis. People probably get sick of hearing me whine about my current situation, but it is somewhat all-consuming at this point, and so I am going to relate it to my current thought process, whether you like it or not! All along, I have felt like I was seeking the Lord and doing what He would have me do. I've thought - well, I know, without a doubt, that He moved Lance and I to Conroe, so I know that He is going to take care of the things that we left there. I've thought that there is nothing else that I can conceivably do (except for go and burn down the house and be done with it, which has definitely crossed my mind)! And while it is true that God will take care of what we left behind because we were being obedient to Him, that doesn't mean that I might not need to play a part in that. And just because I can't, in my limited mind, think of anything else that I could be doing at this point (except for pay someone to clean my house, pay the plumber to fix the leak, and other things that keep costing me money), that doesn't meant that God can't reveal something to me that needs to be done! Am I praying really hard for Him to reveal these things to me? Am I really seeking Him? The answer, up to this point, has been NO! I have been lazy -- maybe He has to bring me to this point of desparation to really communicate with Him! How sad is that?! So, here begins the praying really hard and really seeking Him for me.............

My Heart is Heavy

Why don't the people around me love the Lord? Why do they waste their lives? Why don't they do everything in their power to honor and glorify Him? Why? Because I don't do my job as an ambassador for Christ! This heaviness in my heart all began with a phone call from a friend directing me to someones facebook page that included something that the caller, as well as myself, thought should not be there. It's one of those legalism of the church versus living under God's grace issues, which I hate. I mostly hate it because I know, in my heart, and in the leading of the Holy Spirit, that this "freedom" they claim to be living in is wrong, but I don't know God's Word well enough to refute it. So, I went searching -- I actually found LOTS of scripture and truth from His Word and was encouraged. I mean, I was encouraged because the truth was becoming clearer to me, but it just made my heart heavier for those who are decieved. I just don't understand it -- how people can truly claim to love the Lord and choose a path in life that looks like they desire to serve Him, and then get caught up in this whole emergent church lifestyle, becoming relevant to the world around them, and whatever other language they choose to attatch to it when it all, so obviously, contradicts the person of Christ. It just hurts my heart. I realize that I am, in no form of the word, perfect, but I do believe that there is a difference in a messing up but striving to be better AND living a life where you justify your sin in the name of Christian liberty! Anyway, that is where it all began for me this evening, then as I was in facebook, I saw some updated pictures and clicked on the album. It was an album of someone close to me and the pictures were of them drinking and partying and other things. It just made it all worse for me. I love this person and I hate to watch them waste their life on meaningless things. I aksed myself, over and over, as I looked at these pictures why they would be doing such things. Then, it hit me -- have I done anything to cause this person to want to live any differently? Have I shown them a picture of Christ in my life that causes them to want what I have? Do I love Jesus Christ so much that it is evident to the people around me? And the same goes for the people I was initially frustrated with, who choose to be free so they can do what they please, rather than be free to be like Christ -- I was looking for Scripture to back my claim so I could refute their actions, but really I just need to continually point them to Christ with my actions, show them the love of Christ, and do all I can to honor and glorify Him! That being said, I am glad that His Word encouraged me and enlightened me tonight so that I can be ready to share the truth when the situation calls for it.

I'm Looking for the Shadow!

Okay, so God painted an awesome illustration for me yesterday at church, with the help of our pastor, Mike. Let me start with how it related to me -- the pastor did not include this part in his sermon, of course! Everytime we are outside - either simply walking to the car or actually walking somewhere or playing outside, Boston MUST be in the shade. He calls it a shadow. He will stop at the edge of the shade, where the sun begins, and not take another step unless he sees where the next shade will be. I am not making this up - it is hilarious. Luckily, in SouthEast Texas, there is lots of shade, unlike West Texas! So, the illustration at church yesterday was this: Are we walking in Christ's shadow or our own. If the Son (or sun) is behind us, we are walking in our shadow, but if the Son (or sun) is in front of us, we are walking in His shadow. It totally hit me that I need to be more like Boston, refusing to take another step unless I see His shadow. Boston chooses to only walk in the 'shadow' and so should I! It may make no sense at all to you, but it makes perfect sense to me, which is sometimes how God lessons go!

To Add Misery to Insult

Do you ever ask God, why? Or suggest that He hurry up and end the problem or answer the question or reveal the solution? That is the situation I am in. Just yesterday, I was totally satisfied with His plan and His sufficiency to care for the problem at hand and it is just amazing how much Satan hates that sense of peace that the Holy Spirit was providing me with. We found out today that our former renters left TONS of stuff in our house, so we have to decide what to do about that. That isn't really much of a financial issue as it is an I am plain ticked-off issue. It could turn into a bit of a financial situation when I have to figure out how to have their junk hauled off, but really I just need to allow God to help me forgive them and love them and quit being so angry! The 2nd thing we found out today is that there is a MAJOR water leak underneath the house, which will likely be a financial issue. We got the water turned off, but are now waiting on the plumber to assess the situation, which includes damaged floors inside the house!! So, there is not only the bill to take care of those problems, but it delays our ability to sell the house, you know? A mere 12 hours ago, I had such peace about this whole situation and I just need to calm down and allow the Lord to show me that He is, indeed, still in control! I gotta say, though, I still want to say -- hurry up! Get on with the lesson teaching and just take care of the problem. I mean, I'm pregnant and don't need this extra stress, right? I know, I know, He knows the entire situation and is still in control!!

God is Good!

That title could be appropriate for every blog I ever write, so you may see it again!
Okay, so basically, I'm just glad that God is on my team (or I'm on His -whichever)! I am so glad that I am able to trust Him and count on Him and just be His, you know? Here's the downlow: Lance has 2 part-time jobs (delivering Real Estate Magazines and Worship Pastor at C3) and I have a part-time job (teaching various classes at the City of Conroe Recreation Center). Needless to say, we are not rolling in the dough, but we are definitley making it okay. However, 2 pretty major things have happened recently that puts more than just a strain on our financial situation -- #1)We are having a baby and at my 1st OB appt, I was informed that I do not have maternity coverage on my insurance! We were told that we would need to call the hospital, pre-register, and then pay for the hospital charges by the 7th month, and that the doctors office would have a worksheet with a total of their charges by my next appt and that the total would also need to be paid by the 7th month! Needless to say, I was a little freaked out. We had good insurance when Boston was born, but I still saw copies of the bills and it was very close to $20,000!! Okay, so I was a lot freaked out! I talked to the hospital and the cost is incredibly lower when you pre-pay without insurance, so we are on our way to having that paid off. The OB/GYN that I had decided to go see was the only one that I knew of - she and her family go to our church. Her daughter used to be Boston's girlfriend - I don't think they have been playing together well lately - she has gotten taller than him, he must be intimidated by a taller woman! Anyway, she found out about my billing situation in her office and told the powers that be that she would not be charging me a dime!! I will still have to pay lab fees incurred while under her care, but that is all. So, God is Good!!
#2) We still own our house in Lamesa! We have had a family living there for the past year with a contract to buy the house on or before October 1st (today)! Well, they moved out last week without ever telling us! They still haven't told us and will not return our phone calls! So, we now have to pay 2 house payments to make and I have absolutely no idea how that is going to work!
So, how is God good in this situation? Because of Him and my reliance on Him, I am not worried about it! I think about what we are going to do, but He has given me a genuine peace about it, which is way cool! He knows what He is doing and I have never doubted the fact that He called us here to Conore to serve Him. Because of that, I know that He is taking care of what we left behind. I do hate that He has to use tough situations like this to teach us things, but I am definitely glad that He is in control and not me. So, let the lesson be learned - whatever it may be!

Do I Always Have to Put a Title?

Okay, 2 interesting passages of Scripture that I read today:
The 1st is actually rather encouraging - Deuteronomy 4:28-30, "There you will worship man-made gods of wood and stone, which cannot see or hear or eat or smell. But, if from there, you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him."
Totally encouraging, right? Do I worship acutal gods of wood and stone - no, not necessarily. But, do I place things of this world before Him? - all the stinkin' time! I choose things over Him every single day. When He is not my number one priority, then that makes the things that are taking priority in my life over him, gods. But, this Scripture tells me that, if from here, I seek the Lord, I will find Him when I seek with all my heart and all my soul. That basically says to me that God knew ahead of time that I would make stupid decisions, like worshiping man-made idols, but then He told me how to remedy it! Thank You, Lord! Now, what exactly does it mean to seek Him with my whole heart and soul? How do I do that? That is my prayer for today -- that the Lord would teach me exactly how He would have me seek Him with everything that I am. Are there things that I need to remove from life in order to seek Him? What choices do I need to be making differently in order to give Him my all? I truly desire to know Him more and I want to seek Him with my whole heart and soul, so I pray today that He would guide me in that.
Okay, so I said that there were 2 passages of Scripture that I found today -- the 2nd one is not quite as encouraging, but definitely thought-provoking:
Hosea 5:6, "When they (speaking about the Israelites here) go with their flocks and herds to seek the Lord, they will not find Him; He has withdrawn Himself from them." The verse before it talks about them stumbling in their sin. I stumble everyday! Can you imagine the Lord withdrawing Himself from you? So, I sort of struggled with this verse today, questioning what causes the Lord to not be found. I know that I am not worthy of finding Him when I seek Him, but I read many other Scriptures today that promised I would find the Lord when I sought Him out. So, what is so different about the Israelites here? I don't understand it fully and it is not something that the Lord has chosen to reveal to me as of yet. I, basically, am leaning on the comfort of the Holy Spirit on this one for today. After praying about it, I trust Him and I trust that His Word is Truth! I trust that He wants intimacy with Him and so that is what I am going to seek! I thank the Holy Spirit for directing me today in coming to that conclusion!

1st Actual Journal Entry

Why is it so hard to spend time with the Lord, the Creator of the Universe who wants to spend time with me, the One who is my Provider and Sustainer and Protector? What is up with that? It's like I'm too selfish or something. When Boston takes a nap, I just want to do nothing (nothing means eat popcorn and watch crap on tv)! So, my prayer today is that the Lord with light a fire in my heart to want to know Him better, to show me how to manage my time better, and to be disciplined. Here's the Scripture He showed me today, courtesy of a Desiring God e-mail I receieve from John Piper everyday. I don't always open them immediately, but I did today and how fitting:
John 15:6 - "If anyone does not abide in me, he is thrown away like a branch and withers; the branches are gathered, thrown into the fire, and burned."
John 8:31 - "If you abide in my Word, you are truly my disciples."

Post Hurricane Ike- our front yard, side yard, back yard, front porch, and entire driveway is COVERED in branches and leaves that fell. I can't describe well enough that they are everywhere. Like, you can't see the cement on the driveway - you just see broken branches and leaves. Boston thinks it's cool because he likes "sticks" and now he can pick one up each time we go outside. But anyway, it totally paints a visual for me - my yard is full of the Christians in this world who choose not to abide in Christ, who decide to sit on the couch and eat popcorn rather than be intimate with the Lord! And what happens to those branches, they will be raked into pile, set out at the edge of the driveway with my trash, picked up on big trash day, and burned up! I don't want that to be me. Thank you, Lord, for painting that picture in my mind. Thank you for being there the moment I begin to seek You out. Thank you for convicting my heart today to abide in you. I want to be your true disciple. your follower, someone who radiates Christ to the rest of the world.

The Inaugral Blog

Okay, so basically, I have decided that I need some accountability in my life. Pathetic? The answer is yes, but it is what it is! I have friends with blogs - some insanely hilarious and awesome (www.pregnantbrainvomit.blogspot.com), some simply an easy way to communicate with friends and family without having to call or e-mail them all individually, and some an online spiritual journal. I need the latter. I hear people talk about what the Lord is teaching them and the Biblical lessons they are learning from life at the moment and it so hard for me to admit this to the entire world, but it's been a long time since I have been the one able to say such words. I recall many times in life when I was so deeply enthralled with God's Word and it's relevance in my life and absolutely loving the things that He would teach me. Sadly, that's not me right now. I feel like I am sort of in survival mode or something and I can't shake it. Don't get me wrong - I love the Lord with all my heart and He still teaches me things all of the time, but I've not been seeking out that teaching. I haven't been intimate with the Lord. I haven't been caught up with who He is and what His Word says and all that that entails. Thus, the reason for this blog. I want this to be my online spiritual journal, but in order for it to actually hold me accountable - I'm gonna have to tell someone about it. That's the hard part. I like to fool everyone around me into thinking that I've got it all together and always have had. I dont' know how good of a job I've actually been doing with that, but that's all out the window when I open myself up like this. It's easy for some people, but not so much for me. I do think it's necessary, though. I want to be the person God wants me to be. I want to be the wife Lance deserves and the mother Boston deserves. So, here it begins. Where will the Lord take me? I'm pretty excited about that actually. I'm ready to be completely honest with myself, with the Lord, and with the world wide web! WOW!